Preparing for the next steps

I've been glad to be drain-free this week.

I must admit, however, that at least one of them probably should have stayed in a little longer. Fluid built up and I had to see Dr. Chen on Thursday to have it drained. The good thing was that I couldn't feel a thing-- even though the syringe seemed huge! I'm particularly wary of needles, but I didn't even feel its prick.

While I was there, she also decided to start inflating the tissue expander. The expander already had a "port" so she used a magnetic device to show where to insert the syringe. The needle poked a hole in my skin-- but again I didn't feel much. She refilled the syringe 4 times, but it was all painless.

When I got back to my car, however, I realized that I couldn't extend my arm to close the door. I had to use my right hand and arm. By the time I drove the hour back to work, the muscles in my back were extremely tense. The pain was bad enough that I began to feel nausea. I don't know if I have selective memory or if I've just forgotten, but I don't think I've felt that kind of pain in a long time, certainly not since surgery.

I could only force myself to stay at work for two hours, long enough to make to finish the conference call I in which I needed to participate. But, the moment it was over, I was out the door. I went home and immediately to bed. I hurt so much that I couldn't even move.

With the help of Alleve and the passage of time, I felt well enough to go back to work the next day-- but it felt like it was touch-and-go for most of the morning. I gradually felt better as the day progressed. Later I commented to Mom that I obviously was NOT going to get off scot free. Some days are easier than others and Thursday was a hard day.

I talked to a neighbor who has experience with tissue expanders. My question was "Does it always hurt when they expand?" Her answer was not particularly reassuring-- Yes, it always hurts after expansion. I see Dr. Chen again tomorrow-- and she indicated she might have to "top me off." I'm not excited about the visit.

This coming week I'll be meeting the two oncologists. I'm guessing that my chemo schedule will start the first week in October. The second oncologist will tell definitively whether I will be required to have radiation as well.

Superhero lives aren't necessarily easy. They have problems and experience pain just like everyone else. The difference is that superheroes draw upon their emotional reserves to get them through the moment. Sometimes the moment lasts only a few minutes, but other moments may last days, weeks or even years. I began to realize that this week's lesson was a deeper sense of appreciation for just how much I've been blessed-- for how little pain I have really been experiencing these past few weeks.

Through the pain I was feeling, I gained a greater appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ-- who took upon Himself the sum of my physical, emotional and spiritual pains, as well as the burden of my sins, knowing that it was the only way to make it possible for me to return to live with Him and with Heavenly Father. I have difficulty visualizing the scope of what He took upon Himself in my behalf. Knowing that He did the same for every other person who would ever live upon this earth too, is truly incomprehensible. Yet I know that He accomplished that goal. My sense of humble gratitude, my sense of awe, continues to grow.