Hypochondria

When my father was a small child, he spent lots of time with his maternal grandparents. Whenever he was sick, Nannie would cut oranges into sections (with the rind still on) and sit on the bed feeding them to him. Please understand that my father is disgustingly healthy. He is rarely sick, but when he is, he reverts back to that child. He wants Mom's full attention. My mother, on the other hand, is one of those who goes to bed and just wants to be left alone.

When I'm sick I seem to have been cast in my father's mold. I like having company. As a kid, I would constantly ask Mom to come talk to me, to tell me stories, whatever... I just didn't want her to stray very far from my bed. It was probably frustrating for her because there were so many other children in the house and it was hard to devote any length of time to my need for company.

In our family, childly patients got two special privileges. We got to sleep on the couch AND Mom & Dad would buy 7-Up. Soft drinks were not a staple in our house-- and if we had any, it was often Dad's private stock. Sick kids not only got 7-Up, but the entire bottle (2-liter size) was dedicated to the patient-- no one else got to have any!

When I injure myself, however, my biggest concern is that I don't want to "be a baby about it." In other words, I don't want anyone to think that I'm being overly dramatic about being hurt. When I broke my foot, I did make my roommate take me to the ER because I couldn't put my foot down at all. When I broke my elbow a few years later, however, I drove the 20 miles to home by myself. I had to shift gears with my left hand (extended through the steering wheel). I got home about 10:30 p.m., but waited until about 6:30 a.m. before calling the ER. I wanted to see if a doctor was already there because I didn't want them to call and wake someone up before driving over there. At the time I lived about 8 blocks from the hospital. I don't remember exactly what they told me, but I waited until about 8 a.m. to drive over. In both situations, I kept repeating, "Am I just being a baby about this?" Learning that I really did have broken bones was a great relief to me.

I tell you this because, when one has cancer, the mind plays all kinds of tricks on you. During chemotherapy I discovered that the closer I got to the hospital, the more nauseous I would get. My friend, whose daughter was treated for cancer, warned me that she had seen children vomit in the hospital parkinglot in anticipation of the next treatment. I came to understand that feeling well. Even when the treatments were concluded, it took a long, long time for me to overcome the nausea.

The mind-games didn't end there. For years, every time I experienced even the slightest twinge of abdominal pain, I would think "It's back!" Then I would have to have a little chat with myself, reminding myself that minor aches and pains are a natural part of life.

I came down with the flu in July between the first mammogram and the second. I was out for nearly a week. While I only had a fever for a couple of days, I still have a cough. That's not unusual for me. Also a couple of weeks ago, I got up to go to the bathroom right after turning out the light at bedtime. My eyes hadn't adjusted yet & I missed the bathroom doorway and walked right into the doorjamb and bumped my forehead. I couldn't see a bruise, but my head hurt where I bumped it for a few days afterward.

The past few days there has been a tenderness near my jaw on the right side and I've had a mild headache. I find myself slipping back into those same old thought patterns-- "Oh, there is cancer in the lymph nodes near my right ear" or "I've got brain cancer." The reality is, I don't have brain cancer and the cancerous lymph nodes that were biopsied were on my left side-- the right side was totally clean. I do, however, sometimes sleep in a way that pushes my forehead into the pillow so hard that I wake up with headaches and sometimes even a stiff neck. When I get a cold or flu, the illness may go away, but I often get bronchitis. That didn't happen this time around, but so the tenderness near my jawline could be related to my cough.

Superheroes keep everything in proper perspective. They can differentiate between extreme circumstances that require dramatic action and those that are just part of the daily routine-- and they respond appropriately. When the impulse to overact hits, they have devised strategies to calm themselves so that they can evaluate the situation and create a plan for action. Sometimes I just have to have a little chat with myself to bring my blood pressure back to normal.