Haircuts and new hair

Today I had a hair appointment. As I thought about it last night, I realized that there is a good chance that I will lose my hair again. I wondered if I should cut my hair short so that I could get accustomed to it in case it all fell out.

Last time around, the most traumatic part of the whole cancer experience was the thought of losing my hair. The doctor told me that it would probably be gone two weeks after starting chemo. So I rushed right out to buy a wig. I could find a color I liked or a style I liked-- but never a wig that had both style and color. I cried through the whole time. The saleslady kept assuring me that she could always special order one for me-- it would only take 6-8 weeks. I tearfully explained that I couldn't wait that long. I would be bald in two weeks. In the end, I settled for something that I didn't particularly like because it seemed the only available option.

When I was in my late teens I bought a wig just for the fun of it. It was kind of exciting to change my haircolor and style for a day and then be my normal self the next day. It's a totally different experience when one has to make a choice that cannot be changed for an extended period of time. For women, hair is an important part of their personal self-image. We may tinker with the style and color-- but we always know that whatever we've got is all ours.

When one has cancer, the choices are more limited. Truthfully, my hair stuck around long enough that, by the time it was totally gone, I was so sick I couldn't have cared less about being bald. But there are things that no one ever tells you.

No one warned me that I would find the wig uncomfortable to wear. When one wears a wig for fun, they always have their own hair to shield their scalp. When one is bald, there is no such protection. That's important because there is nothing to anchor the wig in place. I bought a wig with a part-- and the wig kept slipping so that the part kept moving to a weird place. The hair, whether human or artificial in nature, isn't bonded to the cap-- the hair strands are sewn onto the cap. Back then, it was sewn with a plastic thread-- and it itched!!! I was constantly shifting it and sometimes it went beyond the point of itching to being downright painful to leave on my head. I don't know if it was an option 23 years ago, but today I learned that one can buy a stocking cap to wear underneath the wig. That certainly makes a difference!

I spent an hour or so at the mall this afternoon wig shopping. The store didn't have a huge inventory, but it was enough that I found one wig with a style fairly close to my own and in a color that was attractive. I tried on a total about about 8 wigs. Some were in colors quite different from my own natural color. Others had styles quite different from what I usually wear-- some were shorter, others quite long; some had short layers around the face, others were smooth. The saleslady was quite helpful-- she didn't leave me to plop it on my head, but helped to position it and arrange it before putting me in front of the mirror. It was actually kind of fun. It was reassuring to know that this time around I had options.

Superheroes don't allow themselves to feel cornered. They consider their options and weigh the consequences before making a decision. Even when a quick decision is required, they train their minds to relax. They know that a frenzied mind often leads to poor decision-making. The first time around, I chose a wig that I never liked. Ultimately, I didn't wear it very much. If I needed something to cover my head, I tended to wear a scarf. It's not like I ever really went anywhere except to the doctor's office or the hospital. Occasionally I went for a ride in the car, but never got out of the car. It got to the point that I would answer the door in my bald head because it was too hard to cover my head.

Superheroes also learn from their experiences-- even the bad ones. I found myself looking at bald heads in new and different ways. I learned that men don't have to worry about losing their hair. Men are often more attractive when they lose their hair. Instead of seeing hair, one focuses more attention on the man himself-- his beautiful eyes, his strong bone structure. Bald women, on the other hand, usually just look weird. Women rarely have a beautifully shaped head-- there are flat spots or bumps, one tends to notice flaws rather than the beauty of individual facial features. Perhaps that was a mistake on my part-- but it was definitely how I felt about it then. I also discovered that whenever I saw someone with a closely shaved head, I automatically assumed that they had cancer.

Think I might just go back and buy that wig. I just wanted a chance to go home and do a quick Internet search first. I just have to remind myself that I'm not very good at visualizing things without actually seeing them. In other words, things that look good on the hanger, rarely look as good when I see them on my body. A color or style that I think might look flattering in my imagination rarely does in reality. I have to actually see it on myself before I can make an accurate judgment. Maybe I should shop for another day or two.